Thursday, May 31, 2012

Dinner with Donald Trump and Willard Romney

Things That Would Be Preferable To Dinner With Donald And Mitt, According To Twitter

Access to birth control
Acid bath
Alien invasion
Answering this question
Athletes' Foot
Athletes' Foot, on armpits
Baptism, posthumous
Bathtub of maggots
Beard ripped off by force
Being eaten, by lions, by man high on bath salts, by pack of wild dogs, by pack of wolves, by rattlesnakes
Black Eyed Peas, mandatory annual Super Bowl Halftime show
Bleeding, in shark infested waters
Blunt force trauma
Body cavity search
Breakdancing, in skinny jeans
Cervical cancer
Circumcision, sans anaesthetic
Cleaning, a cat box, rest stop toilets with hands
Clubbing baby seals
Colorectal cancer
Colonoscopy, by Edward Scissorhands, by live python, sans sedation, via chainsaw
Cracked rib
Crohn's disease
Drinking, colonoscopy prep fluid, contents of WetVac, five year old milk, hemlock, Playboy Mansion grotto water
Eating, bag of thumbtacks, cat litter, cold mac and cheese whilst in underwear, dog feces, eel sushi by force, Ex-Lax brownies, ghost pepper, hot Frosted Flakes, off floor of Waffle House, Olive Garden, own vomit, rat poison, real New York City pizza, shards of glass, toenails, unrefrigerated pink slime, warm mayonnaise pie, with Dominique Strauss-Kahn, with Hannibal Lecter, with Jerry Sandusky, with Josef Stalin, with just Mitt Romney, with Justin Bieber, with Kardashians, with Westboro Baptist Church
Elevator, trapped with gassy Karl Rove
Emergency tracheotomy
Enema, with bath salts, with hot lead, with Tabasco
Erectile dysfunction
Eyeballs, forked, icepicked, knitting needled, sporked, tattooed
Expressing one's dog's anal glands
Face, punched
Falling, into hole with glass shards
Food poisoning
Gargling, razorblades
Genital mutilation, by ants, by barbed wire, by battery acid, by hammer and burning log, by hot poker, by icepick, by pickle slicer, by pitchfork, by sandblaster, by shoe, by toothpicks, by zipper, in farming accident, on L Train
Getting shot
Gingrich, Newt, in tutu whilst singing "Working In A Coal Mine"
Hands, ironed, slammed in car door
Hepatitis C
Hitting yourself, in face with hammer
Huffing, paint at family reunion
Human centipede
Hunger strike
Ingesting, Comet, fatal amount of Sweet-N-Low, propane (anally)
Jar of farts
Jogging, post-vasectomy
Kidney stone
Koala Bear, dead and lashed to backside
Lego, stepped upon
Listed, on White House "kill list"
Listening, to Ke$ha performing "Subterranean Homesick Blues," to Nickelback performing the works of Creed, to Octomom lecturing on parenting, to Rebecca Black covering "Chocolate Rain"
Losing money in Facebook IPO
Nipple, third
Nuclear winter
Papercuts, thousands (followed by lemon juice bath), millions (followed by rubbing alcohol bath)
Pelvic exam
Planking, in traffic
Poison Ivy, anal
Probe, transvaginal
Pubic lice
Rectal exam
Root canal
Santorum, Google it
Self immolation
Self-pleasuring, with buzzsaw, with cheese grater, with Icy Hot, with sword
Showering, in molten lava
Sliding, on barbed wire, on dry sandpaper
Sound engineering, with Khloe Kardashian
Sparrow, nailed to forehead
Spiders, sprung from a popped boil
Spinal tap
Staring, at 2012 Chicago Cubs, at 24-hour webinar about personal branding and Klout, at "Battlefield Earth" sequel, at "Benson," at "Cabin Boy," at complete season of "The Apprentice," at Japanese eel porn, at "Leonard Part Six," at Mitt's tax returns, at Mitt/Trump sexual encounter, at a pornographic movie starring one's parents, at "Showgirls, at "The Time Traveler's Wife," at a "Twilight Zone" marathon, at Thomas Kinkade paintings for eternity, at Trump's actual hairline
Sucking, on ET's fingers
Swimming, with alligators
Toilet training quituplets
Toupee, Trump's on one's entire back
Trapped, in closet with Victoria Jackson
Universal health care
Unwanted sexual encounter, with buffalo, with corpse, with crocodile, with Dom Deluise in jacuzzi filled with stew, with family, with fifty dollars worth of nickels, with garden tools, with grandmother, with grandmother (dead), with in-laws, with Ravi Shankar's sitar, with Roman Polanski, with Sasquatch, with wall outlet, with wild boars
Urinary tract infection
Vas deferens, destroyed in failed gymnastic feat
Violent encounter, with cheese grater, with Chris Christie over last cupcake, with Dick Cheney, with direwolf, with lawnmower, with piranhas, with rabid bat, with tweezers, with tweezers and back hair and intoxicated chimpanzees, with wakened bear, with Zdeno Chara slap shot
Working on a chain gang
Year without toilet paper
Yeast infection
Zombies, attack, face eaten by

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